Trauma Bonding: Is This You?

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is the emotional attachment that forms between a person and someone who harms or manipulates them—often through cycles of affection, control, and fear.

Dr. Patrick Carnes (1997), who first coined the term, described trauma bonding as “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation.”

While it may look like love or deep connection, trauma bonds are built on intermittent reinforcement—periods of affection and attention followed by withdrawal, criticism, or abuse.

This unpredictable pattern strengthens emotional dependency and confusion, much like an addiction.

“The same brain chemicals that make us feel connected and safe in healthy relationships are the ones that bind us to unsafe ones.”— Patrick Carnes. The Betrayal Bond.

How Trauma Bonding Begins in Childhood

To understand trauma bonding in adult relationships, we can look back to its roots in early attachment experiences.

Children are wired for connection.

Even when caregivers are neglectful, critical, or frightening, a child’s survival depends on maintaining proximity to them.

This creates a paradox—the very person who causes fear or emotional pain is also the source of comfort and safety.

Dr. Judith Herman (1992) explains in Trauma and Recovery that “the child’s attachment to an abusive caregiver is not broken by abuse; rather, it is strengthened by the child’s desperate need for safety."

This early pattern becomes the template for future relationships.

Adults who experienced inconsistent caregiving—love mixed with fear, approval mixed with withdrawal—often unconsciously seek familiarity.

They may find themselves drawn to relationships that replicate the same emotional dynamics, mistaking intensity for intimacy and unpredictability for passion.

Repetition Compulsion — and How It Fuels Trauma Bonds

Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion explains why trauma survivors often find themselves repeating the same painful patterns despite insight or awareness.

The psyche re-enacts the trauma in an unconscious attempt to gain mastery over it—hoping that this time, the outcome will change.

Freud noted that trauma survivors often repeat the same painful experiences instead of avoiding them — not because they enjoy suffering, but because their psyche is trying to rewrite the past.

For trauma survivors, this means being drawn—again and again—to relationships that echo the original wound.

The repetition feels strangely familiar, even comforting, because the nervous system mistakes familiarity for safety.

In relationships, repetition compulsion can look like:

• Being drawn to emotionally unavailable or critical people.

• Trying to “earn” love from those who withhold affection.

• Feeling compelled to fix or rescue others, even at your own expense.

• Confusing intensity, conflict, or “chemistry” with love.

“Trauma survivors may unconsciously seek out familiar dynamics in the hope of transforming them.”— Janina Fisher, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors (2017)

Each time the story repeats, it reactivates the same neural circuits that formed in childhood—until awareness and healing intervene.

“What we cannot remember, we are compelled to repeat.” — Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery (1992)

The Neuroscience of Trauma Bonding and Repetition

Trauma bonding and repetition compulsion are not only psychological—they are biochemical loops.

• Dopamine surges during unpredictable affection, reinforcing the addictive pattern.

• Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, strengthens attachment even after harm.

• Cortisol keeps the body on high alert, making reconciliation feel euphoric.

As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (2014) explains, “The body keeps the score.” 

The nervous system learns to equate emotional arousal—fear, shame, longing—with attachment.

This is why calm relationships may initially feel “boring” or even unsafe; the body has not yet learned to associate peace with love.

Recognizing Trauma Bonds in Adult Relationships

Common signs include:

• Feeling unable to leave despite being mistreated

• Rationalizing or minimizing the other person’s behavior

• Confusing intensity with love

• Feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions

• Constant hope that things will “go back to how they were”

Underneath these patterns lies an inner child longing to finally “get it right”—to earn the love that was unpredictable or withheld in childhood.

Unusual Trauma Bonds: Beyond Romantic Relationships

Trauma bonding is often discussed in the context of romantic or abusive partnerships—but it can also emerge in friendships, caregiving relationships, workplaces, or even parent-child dynamics, particularly in adoption or foster care.

1. Between Friends

When one friend repeatedly crosses boundaries or uses emotional manipulation, yet the other feels unable to step back, this may signal a trauma bond.

The cycle of idealization and rejection mirrors early attachment wounds—especially for those who were made to earn love or acceptance.

Friendship trauma bonds often show up as:

• Taking on the role of emotional caretaker

• Fear of conflict or loss

• Rationalizing controlling or belittling behavior

• Feeling both drained and dependent

In these cases, the friendship serves as a reenactment of early relational trauma, where love was conditional and safety uncertain.

2. Between Parent and Adopted or Foster Child

Adopted and foster children, especially those with pre-verbal trauma or disrupted attachment histories, may form trauma-based bonds with caregivers.

Rather than secure attachment, the relationship may be marked by hypervigilance, testing, rejection, or emotional dependency—symptoms of the child’s deep fear of abandonment.

Adoptive parents, often coming from compassionate motives, can also become caught in a trauma bond if they internalize the child’s rejection or become desperate to “fix” their pain.

This dynamic is not about lack of love—it’s about nervous system dysregulation meeting nervous system dysregulation.

As Dr. Dan Hughes and Dr. Jonathan Baylin (2012) describe in Brain-Based Parenting, “Parents of traumatized children must regulate their own threat responses before they can co-regulate the child’s.”

Without awareness, both can become trapped in cycles of fear, guilt, and reattachment after rupture—hallmarks of trauma bonding.

3. Between Colleagues or Leaders

In hierarchical environments—such as mentorships, therapy, or workplaces—trauma bonds can form when authority figures use approval, access, or validation to control others.

The power imbalance mirrors early caregiver dynamics and can feel emotionally confusing, especially when intermittent warmth alternates with criticism or withdrawal.

These non-romantic trauma bonds highlight an important truth: the human brain bonds through familiarity, not logic. 

If chaos or inconsistency was your early “normal,” your nervous system may unconsciously gravitate toward those same conditions.

Fawning in Childhood and Trauma Bonding

The fawning response begins as a child’s instinctive attempt to stay safe in an unpredictable or threatening environment.

When expressing needs or emotions leads to rejection, anger, or punishment, the child learns that appeasing others is the safest way to prevent harm.

They become hyper-attuned to the moods of caregivers, constantly adapting to maintain peace.

Over time, this appeasement becomes a conditioned survival pattern — the nervous system equates love with compliance and belonging with self-erasure.

As Judith Herman (1992) explains, children in chronic fear “organize their behavior to maintain attachment even at the cost of integrity.”

How Fawning Shows Up in Adult Relationships

In adulthood, this learned survival response often translates into fawn-based trauma bonds.

The individual feels drawn to partners who echo early caregivers — emotionally unpredictable, critical, or withdrawn — and works tirelessly to keep them satisfied.

Moments of warmth after rejection activate the same dopamine-oxytocin reward cycle that once maintained attachment in childhood, deepening the bond.

As Bessel van der Kolk (2014) notes, “The body keeps the score” — and until healing begins, the nervous system continues to seek safety through the very patterns that once ensured survival.

Trauma Bonding: An Addiction

Tim Fletcher  talks about trauma bonds as resembling a form of addiction.

Fletcher calls out the addiction-like dynamic:

“This is the cruel paradox of the heart — a powerful, addiction-like attachment to the source of your suffering.” Tim Fletcher Co

In his article Understanding Trauma Bonds and the Addiction to Those Who Hurt Us he writes:

“A trauma bond develops when a narcissistic abuser uses coercive control to make you believe you need the abuser’s care and validation to feel sufficient. You become highly dependent on the abusive relationship.” Tim Fletcher Co.

In other words, Fletcher frames trauma bonds not merely as dysfunctional relationships, but as neuro-biological and psychological dependencies—where the intermittent reward of kindness following harm creates a “hook” similar to an addictive cycle.

According to Fletcher, a trauma bond forms when you become emotionally dependent on someone who is simultaneously your source of comfort and your source of harm.

He emphasizes several key mechanisms:

• Intermittent reinforcement: The “abuser” alternates between kindness (love, attention) and cruelty/withdrawal. Fletcher uses the slot-machine analogy: you keep playing because sometimes you win. Tim Fletcher Co.

• Power imbalance and survival dependency: Fletcher points out that when someone holds your safety, shelter, validation or esteem, your nervous system bonds — even if the dynamic is damaging. Tim Fletcher Co.+1

• Childhood trauma roots: He links trauma bonding to early attachment wounds and complex trauma (cPTSD). For children whose caregivers were unpredictable or abusive, the pattern of “fear + relief” becomes embedded, and shows up in adult bonding. Tim Fletcher Co.

Fletcher connects trauma bonds to adult relationships marked by chaos and familiarity:

• If you grew up in a home where emotional safety was inconsistent or only available after appeasement, you may unwittingly seek relationships where you’re again trying to earn love through enduring pain or managing the other person.

• In Fletcher’s view, the intensity, the confusion, the pull back after leaving—all reflect the nervous system’s learning that connection = survival, even if that connection is traumatic.

• He emphasizes: “Your body still associates that toxic dynamic with survival.” Tim Fletcher Co.

Why It’s So Hard to Break Trauma Bonds

1. Neurological and biochemical addiction-like mechanisms

Trauma bonds are reinforced by cycles of harm + intermittent kindness, which trigger the same reward pathways as addiction.

Fletcher explains:

"The longer the span between these ups and downs, the harder they are to detect and the longer the relationship lasts, which robs you of your most precious commodity: time."Tim Fletcher

2. Early trauma rewires attachment and survival systems

Children raised in abusive or unpredictable environments develop a nervous system wired for survival more than for connection.

Fletcher writes that for those with complex trauma, “the blueprint for love was often formed in childhood environments where care was mixed with pain, neglect, or unpredictability.” Tim Fletcher Co.+1

Therefore, when an adult relationship replicates those early dynamics, the person may unconsciously attach to it because their system labels it familiar—even if it’s harmful.

3. Fear of loss and abandonment outweighs the fear of harm

The sense of security (however compromised) with the abuser often feels safer than facing abandonment or being alone.

As the CPTSD Foundation states:

“The abuser may be on their best behavior … Over time … The victim feels trapped, confused, and fearful…” CPTSD Foundation

Thus, the fear of leaving is magnified by the felt risk of losing everything they’ve known.

4. Loss of self and identity

Trauma bonds erode the sense of self—who you are, your needs, your boundaries.

Pete Walker, in his work on cPTSD, explains the importance of reclaiming self-identity and tolerating feeling separate from the trauma.

5. Cognitive dissonance and hope for change

Because the relationship often has moments of affection or relief, there’s hope it will change.

This hope keeps people hooked, replaying cycles in hopes for the “good moment” next time.

Steps to Get Free from a Trauma Bond

Breaking a trauma bond is not a single decision — it’s a gradual process of withdrawal, re-regulation, and reconnection.

A. Acknowledge and Name the Bond

Recognition is the first step out of denial.

Fletcher emphasizes that naming the dynamic helps you step out of confusion:

“Recognizing you are in a trauma bond is a painful but monumental first step.”— Tim Fletcher, Understanding Trauma Bonds and the Addiction to Those Who Hurt Us

Naming brings cognitive clarity to what the nervous system has normalized as “love.”

B. Educate Yourself on the Dynamics

Learn how intermittent reinforcement and early attachment wounds keep you hooked.

Lise LeBlanc notes that trauma bonds create “a neurological addiction to someone who hurt you,” and understanding this rewires shame into self-compassion.

“You were caught in a trauma bond — a neurological addiction that hijacks your brain’s reward pathways and keeps you hooked on someone who is harming you.”— Lise LeBlanc, Trauma Recovery Resources

C. Regulate Your Nervous System

Because trauma bonds activate fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses, nervous-system regulation is essential.

Fletcher recommends calming practices that reestablish safety in the body: breathwork, grounding, gentle movement, or somatic therapy.

“When the nervous system is hijacked by fear, the brain confuses danger with love.” — Tim Fletcher

D. Reconnect with Your Inner Child

Many people in trauma bonds are unconsciously re-enacting early attachment patterns — seeking love, approval, or safety from someone emotionally unavailable or controlling.

Reconnecting with the inner child helps interrupt this repetition compulsion (Freud, 1920; Walker, 2013) and brings compassion to the part of you still trying to “earn” love.

As Pete Walker explains:

“The key to healing is re-parenting the frightened inner child — learning to respond to its pain with love rather than self-abandonment.”— Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Janina Fisher (2017) adds that when we connect to disowned child parts, we reclaim the capacity for self-protection and self-soothing that trauma disrupted:

“Healing begins when the adult self can witness the child self with compassion, rather than shame or denial.”— Janina Fisher, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors

In RRP therapy (Relationship Recovery Process), designed by Amanda Curtin, the reparenting of the Inner Child allows the child to both heal from the original trauma wounds and

Practices:

• Dialogue: “What is my inner child feeling when I think about leaving this relationship?”

• Offer self-reassurance: “You are not bad for wanting love. You just learned to look for it in unsafe places.”

• Visualization: Picture your adult self holding your child self’s hand as you walk away from the harmful bond.

E. Create Distance and Boundaries

If safe, go no-contact; if not, low-contact with clear limits.

Ask others to help enforce boundaries.

Fletcher emphasizes that consistency retrains your brain to associate safety with separation, not submission.

F. Rebuild Your Identity and Agency

Walker calls this phase “reclaiming the self.”

After years of adaptive appeasement or fawning, you begin to discover what you actually need and want — not just what others demand.

Small acts of autonomy (saying no, setting limits, choosing rest) retrain your nervous system to experience safety without self-abandonment.

G. Seek Safe Support and Connection

Healing from relational trauma requires relational safety.

Join therapy, support groups, or trauma-informed communities.

As Fletcher notes, “You can’t heal in the same isolation that protected you.”

H. Practice Patience and Compassion

Withdrawal from a trauma bond resembles detox: cravings, guilt, confusion.

Progress is not linear.

Celebrate noticing red flags, reaching out for support, or soothing your inner child instead of seeking the abuser’s approval.

Journal Prompts for Healing Trauma Bonding

1. Tracing the Pattern

Who in my past made me feel loved and unsafe at the same time?

What emotions or bodily sensations arise in relationships that feel familiar, even when painful?(Example: “My stomach tightens when someone withdraws—just like when my mother went silent.”)

2. Recognizing the Repetition

How does this current relationship mirror my early family dynamics?

What am I trying to prove, fix, or finally earn?(Example: “If I can make her trust me, maybe I’ll feel worthy.”)

3. Reclaiming the Inner Child

What does my inner child believe about love and safety?

What would I like that younger part to know now?

4. Redefining Connection

How do calm, reliable people make me feel? Do I mistake peace for disinterest?

What would a relationship built on safety—not intensity—look like?

5. Practicing New Choices

What boundary could I set that honors both compassion and self-respect?(Example: “When I’m insulted, I will take space instead of explaining or appeasing.”)

Breaking the Cycle

Healing from trauma bonding and repetition compulsion means learning to stay connected to yourself even when others withdraw theirs.

It’s the gradual process of teaching your body that love can be safe, steady, and reciprocal.

With patience, effort, and compassionate awareness, you can transform repetition into repair.

“The goal of recovery is not to forget the past, but to live in the present without being ruled by it.”— Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery (1992)