Why Does Everyone Tell Me I'm “Too Emotional” — Understanding Emotions
- mapcouplesprogram
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
Many survivors of childhood trauma carry a quiet but persistent belief: Something is wrong with me because of how I feel.
Emotions feel too intense.
Too fast.
Too overwhelming.
Or, at times, completely inaccessible.
Survivors are often labeled—or label themselves—as too sensitive, too reactive, or too emotional.
To understand why emotions feel like a problem, it helps to first understand what emotions actually are, what they are designed to do, and how early relational trauma changes the way they are experienced.
What Emotions Are
Emotions are not weaknesses or personality quirks.
They are neurobiological processes designed to support survival, connection, and meaning.
Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio describes emotions as body-based signals that inform decision-making.
Before we think, our bodies evaluate:
Is this safe?
Is this important?
Does this matter?
An emotion includes:
Physiological activation (heart rate, muscle tension, breath)
Neural signaling (limbic system activation)
Meaning-making (“This is dangerous,” “This hurts,” “This matters”)
Action impulses (move toward, move away, protect, seek)
In other words, emotions are information systems, not problems to solve.
The Core Functions of Emotions
Across psychological and neuroscientific literature, emotions serve three essential functions:
1. Survival and Protection
Fear alerts us to danger.
Anger mobilizes defense.
Disgust keeps us away from harm.
2. Connection and Attachment
Sadness signals loss and invites comfort.
Joy invites bonding.
Vulnerability deepens intimacy.
3. Guidance and Meaning
Emotions highlight what matters.
They guide values, priorities, boundaries, and desires.
As Dr. Daniel Siegel explains, emotional integration, not emotional suppression is central to mental health.
Why Emotions Feel Unsafe for Trauma Survivors
If emotions are natural and necessary, why do they feel so overwhelming for survivors of childhood trauma?
Because emotions do not develop in isolation.
They develop inside relationships.
When a child’s emotional expressions are met with:
Dismissal (“You’re fine.”)
Punishment (“Stop crying.”)
Mockery (“You’re too sensitive.”)
Neglect (no response at all)
Fear or volatility from caregivers
the child’s nervous system learns a powerful lesson:
Emotions are dangerous.
Not only do children learn not to express emotions, they learn to suppress feeling
them altogether.
Trauma and Emotional Learning
Developmental trauma research shows that when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or unsafe, children do not learn:
How to regulate emotions
How to express emotions safely
How emotions rise and fall
How emotional ruptures can be repaired in relationship
Instead, the nervous system adapts.
Bessel van der Kolk explains that trauma reorganizes the brain around threat detection.
Emotional responses become faster, stronger, and harder to regulate—not due to immaturity, but due to early survival conditioning.
“Too Emotional” Is a Learned Belief
Many survivors internalize messages like:
“Your feelings are too much.”
“You’re dramatic.”
“Calm down.”
“Don’t make a big deal.”
Over time, these messages become core beliefs:
My emotions are wrong.
I can’t trust how I feel.
Sharing feelings leads to rejection.
These beliefs add secondary suffering—shame layered on top of emotion.
The Cost of Emotional Suppression
Suppressing emotions doesn’t eliminate them.
Research shows it increases:
Anxiety
Depression
Somatic symptoms
Emotional outbursts
Dissociation
As research shows, emotional suppression increases physiological stress—even when emotions appear hidden.
The body still feels everything.
Reframing the Problem
The issue is not that survivors feel too much.
The issue is that:
They felt alone with their emotions
They lacked regulation and repair
Their nervous systems learned danger instead of safety
This reframing is foundational:
Your emotions were never the problem — the absence of support was.
Journal Prompts
Growing up, how were emotions responded to in my home?
Which emotions felt safest to express? Which felt dangerous?
What messages did I receive—directly or indirectly—about my feelings?
How do I talk to myself now when emotions arise?
What would it feel like to see my emotions as information rather than flaws?
In the next post, we will explore how childhood trauma shapes emotional intensity—and why regulation can feel so hard, even when you’re trying.
Comments