How to Strengthen New Beliefs So They Become Your Default: Part 2

This post continues where the last post left off

5. Normalize Temporary Regression

Why This Matters

Healing from childhood trauma is not linear.

Even with consistent growth and practice, small moments—a tone of voice, perceived disapproval, emotional distance, stress, or fatigue—can suddenly pull you back into familiar emotional states.

Pete Walker describes these experiences as emotional flashbacks: moments when the nervous system relives the feelings of past trauma without a clear memory attached.

He emphasizes that healing is not about eliminating these responses, but about recognizing them sooner, softening their intensity, and recovering more quickly.

Amanda Curtin, founder of RRP (Relationship Recovery Process) therapy, highlights the importance of noticing how everyday triggers activate unresolved “wells of pain” from childhood.

As awareness grows, so does our capacity to respond rather than react.

Over time, current events feel less overwhelming, and we develop healthier ways of meeting life’s challenges.

Bessel van der Kolk reminds us that the nervous system stores lived experience and can return to states of fear, shame, collapse, or appeasement—even when the adult self is stronger and more resourced.

This is why moments of regression are often mistaken for failure or proof that healing hasn’t worked.

In reality, these moments are signs of a nervous system still learning safety.

Slipping back does not mean you are broken or back at the beginning.

It means your body is doing what it once needed to do—while gradually learning something new.

What this looks like in everyday life

You’ve been practicing boundaries, but someone expresses disappointment and suddenly you feel small, shaky, guilty, and desperate to fix it.

The old belief whispers, “I need to make everyone happy or I’ll lose love.”

You’ve been building self-compassion, but you make a mistake and instantly a familiar internal voice attacks:“Of course you messed up. You’re the problem.”

You’ve been honoring your needs, but after a stressful week, you slip back into overworking, people-pleasing, minimizing yourself, or emotionally shutting down.

Part of you feels terrified again without fully understanding why.

Nothing “new” may have happened.

But your nervous system has been reminded of something old.

Pete Walker emphasizes that in these moments, the goal is not perfection.

The work of recovery is measured in your capacity to notice, soothe, and return—to remember that you live in the present, not in the past.

Daniel Siegel describes this capacity as integration: the ability to hold past experience with compassion while remaining connected to your present adult self.

Regression does not erase your growth.

Your body is simply revisiting an old pathway while new ones are still forming.

A gentle practice

When you notice yourself “slipping back,” try approaching yourself the way you would approach a scared child—not with frustration, but with tenderness.

Name what is happening

Gently acknowledge it:

“This feels like an emotional flashback.”

“My system is reacting from an old place.”

“This is past pain showing up in the present.”

Naming makes it less shameful and more understandable.

Reorient to the present

Grounding is calming and brings us back to the present.

Try:

feel your feet on the floor

look around and name what you see

take a slow exhale longer than your inhale

remind yourself, “I am safe now.”

Offer reassurance instead of punishment

Speak to yourself with warmth:

“Of course this feels big. It makes sense.”

“This is my nervous system remembering.”

(To your younger self) “I am with you. You are not alone.”

Return gently to the new belief

When you’re steadier, reconnect with the belief you’re growing:

“My needs still matter.”

“I still deserve respect.”

“I do not have to disappear to stay loved.”

6. Build Evidence That the New Belief Is True

It is not enough to tell the brain a new belief — it needs lived proof.

Trauma research shows that the nervous system learns through repeated experience, not logic alone.

Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett explains that the brain constantly updates its predictions about what is safe or possible based on what actually happens in the body and environment; experiences literally reshape neural pathways.

Similarly, trauma experts emphasize that healing requires new embodied experiences that contradict trauma-based expectations and help the nervous system reorganize around safety and worthiness.

Why This Matters

Childhood trauma teaches the nervous system to pay more attention to threat than support. Research on negativity bias shows that the brain stores painful or threatening experiences more readily than positive ones because they are linked to survival.

For trauma survivors, this bias is amplified; the mind automatically scans for danger, rejection, or criticism long after the danger is gone.

Building evidence creates a “counter-map” to the trauma template.

It teaches the body:

• Safe connection exists.

• Needs can be expressed.

• Boundaries do not destroy relationships.

• Rest, care, and voice are allowed.

Over time, this helps shift internal working models of self and relationships, a core concept in attachment theory.

Instead of “I am unworthy” or “I should not have needs,” the nervous system slowly learns “I deserve care. My needs make sense. I belong.”

This is why evidence-building matters: it gradually replaces the trauma narrative (“I don’t matter,” “I’m always too much,” “no one is safe,” “my needs are a problem”) with lived moments that say, something else is also true now.

What This Looks Like in Everyday Life

Evidence-building is not about big dramatic moments.

In fact, it is most powerful when it is small, ordinary, and consistent.

It might look like:

• You ask a friend for support — and they respond with kindness.

• You rest when you're exhausted instead of pushing yourself to the point of collapse.

• You say “no” to something minor without apologizing excessively — and the world doesn’t fall apart.

• You notice you didn’t shrink, over-explain, or disappear in a conversation, and nothing bad happened.

• You felt upset, and instead of blaming yourself, you thought: “My feelings make sense.”

• You made a mistake, and instead of spiraling into shame, you took responsibility without attacking yourself.

These are not trivial moments. They are moments where the nervous system learns a new story.

A Gentle Practice

Create a simple practice of collecting proof.

On your phone or in a journal, create a note titled:

"Evidence That I Am Worthy / Safe / Respected / Loved"

(Choose the belief you are working on.)

Each day, write 1–2 pieces of small, real-life evidence, such as:

• “I asked for help and someone responded with care.”

• “I took a break because I needed it.”

• “My feelings made sense today.”

• “I didn’t apologize for existing.”

• “I said what I needed calmly and kindly.”

• “Someone stayed with me emotionally.”

• “I trusted myself a little more today.”

Do not look for perfection. Look for possibility.

Over weeks and months, this becomes a living document — a nervous-system-level witness that your life is slowly moving beyond trauma rules.

When emotional flashbacks or old beliefs reappear, you can return to this list and gently remind yourself:

“My brain learned this belief for a reason, and now it is learning something new.”

7.Strengthening New Core Beliefs Begins With Discovering the Old Ones

Before we can strengthen new, life-giving beliefs about ourselves, it helps to clearly identify the negative beliefs trauma taught us to live inside.

Many survivors carry statements like “I don’t matter,” “I’m not enough,” “I am unsafe,” or “I can’t trust anyone,” but the nervous system often stores these beliefs at a preverbal, body-level before they become words.

Common negative core beliefs include the following:

Negative Core Beliefs About the Self

• I am unlovable

• I am unworthy

• I am not enough

• I am defective or broken

• I am bad

• Something is wrong with me

• I don’t matter

• I am invisible

• I am a burden

• I am too much

• I am weak

• I am powerless

• I am a failure

• I don’t deserve care or kindness

Negative Core Beliefs About Others

• People will hurt me

• People cannot be trusted

• I will be rejected

• I will be abandoned

• My needs will be ignored

• Others are critical or unsafe

• Closeness leads to pain

• If I rely on others, I’ll be disappointed

Negative Core Beliefs About the World

• The world is unsafe

• The world is unpredictable

• I must stay on guard

• Bad things will happen

• If I relax, something bad will happen

• Safety doesn’t last

Conditional Beliefs (“Rules for Living”)

These often develop to protect against pain.

• If I please others, I’ll be safe

• If I don’t need anything, I won’t be hurt

• If I’m perfect, I’ll be accepted

• If I stay quiet, I’ll avoid conflict

• If I take up space, I’ll lose connection

• If I’m useful, I have value

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), developed by Francine Shapiro, also works with negative cognitions—short statements that summarize what the trauma taught you about yourself and others.

You can access a list here.

Why This Matters

Trauma doesn’t just shape memory—it shapes meaning.

In environments where safety, attunement, or protection were limited, the brain and body adapted by forming beliefs that helped ensure survival and preserve connection.

These beliefs were not chosen consciously; they were learned through experience and the nervous system’s need to stay safe.

Over time, they become automatic, guiding how we interpret situations, respond under stress, and relate to others—often long after the original danger has passed.

A comment, a boundary, or a moment of closeness can activate old conclusions about worth, safety, or belonging before we can name what’s happening.

Identifying these early messages is not about blame or self-criticism.

It is about bringing awareness to what has been quietly shaping our inner world and relationships.

That awareness creates space to explore how we want to feel and what we want to believe about ourselves, others, and the world now.

What This Looks Like in Everyday Life

This discovery process often shows up not as a sudden insight but as recognition:

• You find yourself thinking, “I should have known better,” or “I am weak,” or “Nothing good lasts,” and suddenly realize that this thinking feels familiar—not just in your head, but in your body.

• You notice patterns like perfectionism, self-criticism, emotional suppression, or avoidance, and ask: “What belief must be here for this to still feel true?”

• You go through a list of core beliefs and feel a physical reaction—tightness, sinking in the chest, or emotional heaviness—when you read one that matches how you learned to survive.

Naming the belief doesn’t reinforce it—it brings it into awareness so it can be gently held and transformed.

A Gentle Discovery Practice

Create a safe space—real or imagined—and slowly read through a list of negative core beliefs. 

Notice which beliefs evoke a felt response— tension in the body, a memory, or a strong emotional reaction.

As you identify a belief, you might say (silently or in a journal):

“This belief lived in me for a long time because it helped me survive when I was young. It made sense then.”

Then notice what the opposite adaptive belief might be—for example:

• “I am unlovable” → “I am worthy of love.”

• “I am powerless” → “I am learning I have choice and agency.”

• “I am not safe” → “I can find safety now.”

The goal here isn’t perfection or immediate belief—it’s clarity.

Uncovering often hidden negative core beliefs helps us understand them and appreciate what we learned to believe about ourselves; beliefsw that we often carry with us into the

present.

Journal Prompts to Deepen Your New Beliefs

Where did my old belief come from?

What early experiences taught me this?

Whose voice does this belief echo?

What new belief am I growing today?

Why do I want to believe this?

What would change if I fully lived it?

What is my inner child afraid will happen if I accept the new belief?

What does my inner child need to feel safe?

What small actions this week reflected my new beliefs?

What did I do that honored my needs or worth?

How does my body react when I say the new belief?

Where do I tense up?

What helps me soften?

Anchoring new core beliefs is not about forcing yourself to think differently—it’s about giving your mind and body repeated experiences of safety, choice, and self-respect.

Each small moment of awareness, boundary-setting, or self-compassion helps your nervous system learn that the present is different from the past.

Over time, these practices become less effortful and more familiar.

Healing happens not through perfection, but through steady, gentle repetition that allows new beliefs to take root at a pace your system can trust.