Stuck In The Same Relationship Cycle? Here's Why

mapcouplesprogram
Sep 15
7 min read

Why Survivors of Childhood Trauma Are Drawn to People Who Repeat the Wounds of the Past

If you’ve ever asked yourself: “Why do I keep ending up with people who remind me of relationships in my past?” you’re not alone.

As survivors of childhood trauma, we often find ourselves pulled toward relationships that echo early wounds.

Sometimes this shows up in painful patterns that feel almost compulsive.

Other times, the very same pull can guide us toward people who help us heal or find opportunity for change with awareness of the patterns.

Let’s look at both sides of this: the urge to repeat unfinished business and the possibility of seeking repair.

The Pull of Compulsive Repetition

Sigmund Freud was one of the first to describe what he called “repetition compulsion”—the tendency to unconsciously recreate early painful dynamics, even when they hurt us.

The question why we might do this is not fully resolved but here are some suggested ideas:

Familiarity feels safe. Even if the pattern was painful, our nervous system recognizes it.

Chaos, criticism, or neglect may feel more “normal” than calm, steady love.

(van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, 2014)

Hope for a different ending. By unconsciously choosing a partner or friend who resembles the rejecting parent, a survivor may be trying to “get it right this time.”

If I can finally win love from someone like my father, maybe it means I was lovable all along. (Herman, Trauma and Recovery, 1992)

Neurobiological imprint. Early experiences of attachment shape our stress response. Survivors may feel an almost magnetic pull toward people who trigger old neural pathways because their nervous system is wired to expect that pattern. (Siegel, The Developing Mind, 2012)

Attachment research also helps explain this.

Bowlby (1969) and later Mary Ainsworth showed how early attachment with caregivers forms “internal working models” of relationships.

If your caregivers were critical, distant, or unpredictable, you may carry forward beliefs like “I have to perform to be loved” or “closeness isn’t safe,” and unconsciously recreate those roles with partners.

For example, a woman who grew up with an emotionally distant mother may find herself drawn to partners who are unavailable or non-communicative.

Consciously, she wants connection.

Unconsciously, she may be replaying her old role: chasing after affection, hoping to finally be chosen.

The Positive Side: Seeking Repair

Here’s the hopeful part: the same unconscious drive that pulls us toward repetition can also guide us toward repair.

Psychologist Harville Hendrix described this in his work on Imago Theory

He suggested that we are drawn to partners who resemble our caregivers not only to repeat wounds, but because deep down, we are wired to seek healing through new outcomes.

Finishing unfinished business. Instead of repeating the cycle, the survivor gets to “complete the story” in a new way—by being cared for, respected, and seen in ways that were missing before.

This break and change in the cycle requires awareness and usually the help of professional individual and/or group therapy.

RRP (Relationship Recovery Process) groups are designed to bring awareness of these patterns and a safe space to finish business with our family of origin.

We are able to have a different experience to the original trauma, both healing past wounds and offering a new experience.

Expanding capacity for intimacy. Sometimes we are able though awareness and growth to seek out relationships different to those with our original abusive care-givers.

These healing relationships don’t erase the past but create a bridge from survival to growth, showing survivors that love can feel safe and secure.

An example of this is a man raised by a critical, perfectionist father who may, at first, be drawn to critical bosses or friends.

With awareness, he might also find himself choosing mentors or partners who affirm his worth.

The similarity—seeking authority figures—is still there.

But instead of reenacting the wound, he is using the bond to heal.

Noticing the Signs

Noticing that we are repeating relationship patterns can feel tricky at first, but there are usually some clear signs.

We might find ourselves drawn to the same types of people, or ending up in similar conflicts over and over.

Sometimes, old feelings from childhood—like fear of abandonment, needing constant approval, or avoiding intimacy—show up in our adult relationships.

We might also notice patterns in how arguments unfold, or in the ways we try to fix or rescue others.

Recognizing these patterns doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with us—it’s an opportunity to become aware of the unconscious habits our past has shaped, so we can start making conscious choices that support healthier, more fulfilling connections.

The Choice Point: Awareness

The big difference between being trapped in repetition and moving toward healing is awareness.

Survivors don’t consciously choose to suffer; the patterns often feel magnetic and automatic.

But once we start recognizing:

“This feels familiar—maybe too familiar,” or

“I’m chasing love the way I chased it as a kid,”

we are open to creating space to choose differently.

Healing is possible.

Secure relationships—whether with partners, friends, therapists, or mentors—can gradually reshape attachment style and reduce trauma symptoms (Mikulincer & Shaver, Attachment in Adulthood, 2016).

Journal Prompts

If you’d like to explore this for yourself, try journaling with these questions:

Who in my current life reminds me (positively or negatively) of my early caregivers?
When I feel a strong pull toward someone, what “familiar” feeling is underneath it? Safety? Excitement? Anxiety?
Can I notice times I’ve sought out relationships that offered healing instead of repetition? What made the difference?

What qualities in people help me feel safe enough to grow, not just survive?

Classic Childhood Roles Survivors Fall Into

In families suffering from trauma or dysfunction, children often take on specific “roles” as a way to cope and survive.

These roles aren’t chosen consciously—they develop as responses to the emotional climate of the home.

For example, one child might become the “peacemaker” to keep things calm, while another becomes the “overachiever” to earn love and approval.

Over time, these roles can feel like part of our identity, even though they were originally survival strategies.

The challenge is that, as adults, we often carry these roles into our relationships without realizing it, repeating familiar patterns that no longer serve us.

Recognizing these roles can be a powerful first step.

They aren’t our fault—they were survival strategies.

But they can keep us locked in the same relationship cycles until we notice and change them.

Healing means stepping out of the old role, grieving what we didn’t get in childhood, and practicing healthier ways of relating where we can show up fully as ourselves.

The following are some common family-of-origin roles and how they may show up again in adult relationships.

These can help survivors start to recognize our own repeating patterns:

The Caretaker / Fixer

In childhood: Took responsibility for soothing parents, managing siblings, or keeping peace in the family.

In adult relationships: Feels drawn to partners who need rescuing, over-functions in the relationship, and struggles to receive care in return.

The Peacekeeper / Mediator

In childhood: Smoothed over conflicts, avoided rocking the boat, and put their own needs last to keep harmony.

In adult relationships: Avoids conflict at all costs, minimizes their feelings, and may pair with more dominant or demanding partners.

The Scapegoat / Rebel

In childhood: Blamed for family problems, acted out, or broke rules as a way of expressing pain.

In adult relationships: Feels misunderstood or “always at fault,” may sabotage closeness, or pick partners who are critical and controlling.

The Golden Child / Overachiever

In childhood: Earned love and approval through achievement or perfection.

In adult relationships: Struggles with vulnerability, feels pressure to perform or “be perfect” for love, and may feel unworthy if they show flaws.

The Invisible Child

In childhood: Faded into the background, stayed quiet, or tried not to need too much.

In adult relationships: Feels unseen or overlooked, has trouble asking for what they need, and may be drawn to emotionally distant partners.

Journal Prompts

The following are journal prompts for each of these roles to help survivors reflect on how these patterns may still be showing up in our relationships today: