Do You Confuse Calm with Dissociation?

For many survivors of childhood trauma, calm can feel confusing.

On the one hand, peace and safety are what we long for.

On the other, when our body finally quiets, we might notice a numbness, emptiness, or sense of detachment.

This can make calm feel less like comfort and more like being cut off from ourselves.

Dissociation: A Survival Strategy That Lingers

When children grow up in environments that are unsafe—whether due to abuse, neglect, or chronic unpredictability—the nervous system often develops protective strategies.

One of the most common is dissociation.

Dissociation is the experience of feeling detached from our body, emotions, or surroundings.

It’s not weakness—it’s a remarkable survival skill.

For a child trapped in an overwhelming situation with no way to fight or flee, the mind finds another way to protect itself: by “checking out.”

Bessel van der Kolk describes dissociation as “a survival mechanism” that allows traumatized children to endure experiences that would otherwise be unbearable.

The same understanding is highlighted by Judith Herman in her seminal book Trauma and Recovery.

She explains how dissociation becomes a cornerstone of trauma adaptation, enabling children to preserve some sense of self in situations of powerlessness .

But what once kept us safe as a child can become confusing in adulthood.

Dissociation may look and even feel similar to being “calm,” even though it’s actually a state of disconnection.

Calm vs. Disconnected: What’s the Difference?

Calm is a regulated state.

We breathe slowly, our muscles relax, and we remain present with ourselves and our surroundings.

We feel safe and connected.

According to Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory (2011), when our nervous system feels safe and calm, we enter what he calls the ventral vagal state.

In this state, our body relaxes, our voice and facial expressions soften, and we naturally become open to connection and social engagement.

Feeling safe is what makes genuine closeness and healthy relationships possible.

Dissociation may mimic calm on the outside—we are quiet, still, maybe even flat—but inside we might feel foggy, numb, or absent.

We may struggle to notice our bodily sensations or emotions.

For trauma survivors, it’s easy to confuse the two.

Because chaos, intensity, and hyperarousal were once the norm, anything quiet may automatically register as “calm,” even if it’s actually dissociation.

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Do You Confuse Calm with Dissociation?

What is Dissociation?

Survival strategy for children in unsafe environments.

Protects by “checking out” when emotions or experiences are too overwhelming.

Looks calm but feels disconnected.

Calm vs. Dissociated

Calm: regulated breath, soft muscles, present in the body, safe connection.

Dissociated: numbness, fog, emptiness, absence from body, detached from emotions.

Impact of Dissociation

Cuts us off from our emotions.

Makes it hard to feel grounded in who we are.

Can create distance in relationships.

Gentle Steps to Reconnect

Notice your breath and body sensations.

Use your five senses to ground yourself.

Practice safe presence with trusted people.

Ask: What do I feel right now, and where do I feel it?

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How Dissociation Affects Our Emotions and Relationships

While dissociation helped children survive, it can also create barriers in adulthood:

Disconnection from emotions:

When we dissociate, we lose touch not only with our body but also with our feelings.

This can make it difficult to know what we need, what we want, or even what we are experiencing in the moment.

Disconnection from yourself:

Dissociation interrupts our ability to feel grounded in who we are.

It may leave us feeling like a stranger to ourselves or as though life is happening around us rather than through us.

Disconnection from others:

Because connection requires presence, dissociation can make it hard to fully engage in relationships.

Loved ones may feel we are distant, unavailable, or emotionally flat, even if we long for closeness.

This isn’t a personal failing—it’s the imprint of survival.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward healing.

Gently Reconnecting: Small Steps Toward Presence

The key to healing dissociation is not to force ourselves into overwhelming emotional states, but to gently expand our window of tolerance for presence.

"Window of tolerance,” a term introduced by Dan Siegel (1999) in The Developing Mind, describes the optimal zone of nervous system arousal where we can manage stress, stay present, and regulate our emotions.

Here are a few ways to begin expanding our "window of tolerance" for being present:

Body awareness practices: Try simply noticing your breath, the weight of your body on a chair, or the feel of your feet on the ground. Keep it brief at first.

Sensory grounding: Use your five senses to bring yourself back to the moment—notice a color in the room, the sound of your breath, the texture of fabric under your hand.

Safe connection: Practice presence with trusted people. Begin by noticing their voice tone, facial expressions, or warmth when you’re together.

Gentle curiosity: Instead of pushing away the numbness, ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? Where do I feel it in my body?

Journal Prompts for Exploring Calm vs. Dissociation

Take your time with these questions.

Write slowly, and pause if anything feels overwhelming.

1. When I feel calm, what sensations do I notice in my body? (breathing, warmth, relaxation, etc.)

2. When I feel disconnected, how does that show up in my body or mind? (numbness, fog, emptiness, etc.)

3. Looking back, can I remember times as a child when I “checked out” in order to feel safe?

4. How do I know, in the present, whether I’m truly calm or actually disconnected?

5. What helps me feel grounded in my body in a safe way (movement, touch, breath, nature, etc.)?

6. What small practices can I begin adding to my daily life that help me stay present when things are quiet?

7. When do I notice dissociation interfering with my ability to connect with myself or with people I care about?

8. What’s one gentle way I can practice reconnecting with myself this week?

If you confuse calm with being disconnected, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common challenges survivors face. Your body learned a brilliant strategy to protect you as a child—but now you have the opportunity to create new patterns.

Healing is not about rejecting dissociation, but about gently expanding your capacity to stay present in your body when it’s safe to do so. True calm is not empty or numb—it’s a fullness of being that lets you feel safe, connected, and alive.