Why Facing Painful Memories Feels So Hard: Understanding the Fear Behind Avoiding Childhood Trauma Work

“Why dig up the past if it will only make me feel worse?”

This is a question many people silently ask themselves when they consider starting childhood trauma recovery work.

For most survivors, the idea of facing early pain doesn’t just feel uncomfortable—it feels dangerous.

And there’s a reason for that: our nervous system is doing its job.

Why We Avoid Revisiting Childhood Pain

From a survival perspective, our brain and body are designed to protect us from overwhelming threat.

When painful or traumatic experiences happened in childhood—especially when they were ongoing or came from caregivers—we didn’t have the tools or support to fully process them.

So our system did the only thing it could: it stored those experiences away.

Example: A client named Eli never remembered much from age 6 to 9. He thought he just had a bad memory. In therapy, he slowly began to recall the tension, emotional shutdown, and constant fear at home due to a parent’s unpredictable behavior. His mind had protected him from fully remembering until he had enough safety and support to begin processing it

“Trauma is not the story of something that happened back then. It’s the current imprint of that pain on mind, body, and brain.” — Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

Journaling Prompt:

What situations or memories do you find yourself avoiding or brushing off?

What do you fear would happen if you allowed yourself to really remember or feel?

Safety Practice To Use When Feeling Disconnected As a Result of Avoiding Emotional Memories and Pain:

Grounding With the 5 Senses

Name:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can touch

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

This helps your body orient to the here and now when exploring difficult feelings.

The Role of Dissociation and Emotional Flooding

When trauma feels too big or too dangerous to feel, the body responds in two major ways: dissociation (numbing, spacing out) and emotional flooding (feeling too much, too fast).

Example: Talia, who grew up with a critical parent, felt nothing during an argument with her partner—totally flat and blank. That’s dissociation. Later, she sobbed uncontrollably in the shower, unsure why. That’s emotional flooding—her nervous system was overwhelmed by stored emotion she couldn’t access earlier.

Dissociation is a protective response—it allows us to disconnect from unbearable emotion. Emotional flooding happens when those same emotions later surge back, often unexpectedly.

Journaling Prompt:

When do you feel “checked out” or numb?

When do your emotions feel like they crash in all at once?

Safety Practice: Use an Anchor Object

Hold something small (a rock, a piece of fabric, a pendant).

Touch it, name its texture, weight, and color.

Use it to help stay grounded if you begin to feel detached or overwhelmed.

This Resistance Is Not a Flaw—It’s a Symptom of the Wound

Avoidance isn’t laziness.

It’s not weakness.

It’s your body saying, “I don’t yet feel safe enough to go there.”

That’s not a dead end—it’s a starting point.

Example: James felt shame about how long it was taking him to talk about his childhood. But when he began working in an RRP therapy group, he realized that it was a survival strategy and not his fault that it was taking time. He realized he wasn’t stuck. He was scared. And that made sense.

“All trauma responses are the nervous system's best attempt to survive.” — Deb Dana, LCSW

Journaling Prompt:

What part of me is trying to protect me from feeling pain?

Can I write a letter to that part, thanking it for how hard it’s worked to keep me safe?

Safety Practice: Soothing Self-Talk

Say out loud or write:

• “It makes sense that I’m afraid.”

• “I don’t have to force anything.”

• “I can go slowly. I can stop when I need to.”

How to Approach Painful Memories Safely

Here are ways to begin healing without reliving everything at once:

1. Work With a Trauma-Informed Therapist

Example: Ari tried talk therapy in the past but always left feeling worse. When he began working with a somatic therapist, they focused first on helping him feel safe in his body before discussing the past. This allowed him to stay present and regulated.

Relationship Repair Process is designed to address the wounds of childhood in safety and support.

Journaling Prompt:

What kind of support do I wish I had the first time I tried to heal?

What would it feel like to try again, with the right kind of guide?

Safety Practice: Imagining a Safe Place

Close your eyes and imagine a place where you feel completely safe. Use all five senses to build the image. Return to this place anytime the work feels heavy.

2. Pace the Pain

Example: Instead of diving into childhood memories, Lena started by tracking small bodily sensations—like tightness in her chest or jaw. Over time, she began associating those sensations with emotional themes and memories, without becoming overwhelmed.

Journaling Prompt:

What’s one memory or feeling I’m curious about—not terrified by?

What would a “small step” look like for me?

Safety Practice: The 90-Second Wave

Remind yourself: emotions rise and fall like waves. Most intense feelings last 60–90 seconds. Breathe through the wave, then check in with how your body feels.

3. Learn to Regulate Your Body First

Example: Jordan found himself spiraling after sessions. His therapist helped him find tools—stretching, humming, walking around the block—that calmed his nervous system before diving into deeper work.

Journaling Prompt:

What helps me feel calm, even a little?

What signs tell me I’m getting dysregulated?

Safety Practice: Vagus Nerve Reset

Try humming or singing a song you like. This stimulates the vagus nerve, helping your body shift into a calmer, more grounded state.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Heal All At Once

Facing painful memories isn’t about reliving every moment of the past.

It’s about learning how the past lives in your body today—and gently unwinding the beliefs, defenses, and patterns that once kept you safe but now keep you stuck.

There is no shame in taking your time.

There is no rush.

There is only the next compassionate step.