Who Is In The Drivers Seat?: The Reality of Untreated Childhood Wounds

Your Inner Child Could Be Running Your Relationship—Here’s Why

You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your partner, and suddenly your reaction feels bigger than the moment.

Maybe you shut down.

Maybe you explode.

Either way, it feels familiar—and confusing.

That confusion makes sense. Because often, we’re not just reacting to our partner… we’re reacting to our past.

Unhealed childhood trauma has a quiet but powerful way of showing up in our adult relationships.

When our inner children run our adult relationships, it means that unresolved feelings, needs, or wounds from childhood are strongly influencing how we behave, feel, and react in adult relationships— without realizing it.

Here’s a breakdown of what that means:

"Inner Child":

The “inner child” refers to the part of us that holds our early emotional experiences, memories, beliefs, and unmet needs.

This part of us can carry feelings like fear, abandonment, shame, or longing for love and validation.

"Running our adult self":

When the inner child is “running” things, it means that this early emotional part is driving our reactions and patterns in relationships.

Instead of responding as the adult we are now, our reactions may be based on childhood fears or wounds.

Common Signs Inner Child is Running the Show

Feeling easily triggered or overly sensitive in relationships.

Reacting with intense emotions disproportionate to the current situation.

Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns (e.g., choosing emotionally unavailable partners).

Seeking constant reassurance or validation.

Struggling to set boundaries or, conversely, being overly defensive.

Why This Happens

The brain often defaults to familiar emotional patterns developed early in life.

Trauma, neglect, or unmet needs can cause the inner child to stay “stuck” in survival mode.

Without healing, those childhood patterns unconsciously shape our adult behavior.

What Can Help

Healing our inner child with the help of therapy and inner child work.

Recognizing when old childhood wounds are being triggered.

When our inner child “running” our adult relationships, this means childhood emotions and unmet needs are driving our relationship choices and reactions—often leading to repeating unhealthy patterns until that inner child is healed and integrated with our adult self.

These patterns do not predict doom—they mean we are human.

Understanding our inner child—the one who learned how to survive emotionally unsafe environments—is the first step to changing how we relate, communicate, and love today.

Because when we stop shaming ourselves for our reactions and start getting curious about them, we begin to heal.

And healing doesn’t just help to feel better—it helps our relationship feel safer, more connected, and more resilient.

We are not overreacting.

We are remembering.

And we deserve support to move forward.

Journal Prompts: Heal the Past to Help the Present

Use these prompts to explore how your inner child might be showing up in your relationship:

1. When I feel triggered in my relationship, what emotions come up most strongly?

2. What did I learn about love, safety, or conflict in my family growing up?

3. How did my caregivers respond when I was upset, afraid, or needed comfort?

4. What part of me feels activated when my partner pulls away or argues? Can I identify how old that part feels?

5. What would I say to that younger version of me now? What would they need to feel safe in love?

Remember: Your reactions are signals, not flaws.

They’re invitations to connect—with your past, your needs, and your healing.