We Can’t Heal From Childhood Trauma Without One Thing: Safety
- mapcouplesprogram
- Jun 23
- 5 min read
Safety Is the Foundation for Everything—in Love, Parenting, and Healing
When we think about what makes a relationship thrive—whether it’s romantic, parental, or therapeutic—we often talk about love, communication, and trust.
But underneath all of these is something even more fundamental: safety.
Without physical, emotional and psychological safety, even the most well-intentioned efforts at connection can fall flat or feel threatening.
Safety isn’t just important—it’s the foundation for everything.
Why Safety Is the Foundation
Safety is what allows us to show up as our authentic selves.
It gives the nervous system permission to relax, open up, and engage.
When we don’t feel safe, our brains switch into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
In this state, we're not accessing our full relational capacities.
We can’t connect, reflect, or repair.
Instead, we defend, withdraw, or shut down.
Whether we're adults in a romantic relationship, children looking to our caregivers, or individuals in therapy—safety is what allows vulnerability, trust, and growth to emerge.
The Neuroscience of Safety and Polyvagal Theory
Research by Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of Polyvagal Theory, shows that our nervous system constantly scans the environment for signs of safety or threat—a process he calls neuroception.
Depending on what it detects, we move into one of three autonomic states:
Ventral Vagal (Safe & Social): Calm, connected, and open to engagement.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): Activated, defensive, emotionally reactive.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): Numb, dissociated, disconnected.
According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score), when the brain perceives threat, the amygdala activates and overrides rational thought, while the prefrontal cortex—which enables empathy, regulation, and decision-making—goes offline.
Safety restores this balance.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and author of The Whole-Brain Child, emphasizes that when we feel safe, our relational brain is turned on.
We can access empathy, repair conflict, and form secure bonds.
Why this matters
We can’t logic our way into connection.
If our nervous system doesn’t feel safe, connection isn’t accessible—no matter how much we intellectually want it.
Example: During a disagreement, your partner shuts down and stops responding.
You feel abandoned, but if you understand that they’re likely in a dorsal vagal state—nervous system overload—you realize the most healing response is presence, not pressure.
Journal Prompts for Reflection and Healing:
What are some cues of safety that help me stay open in relationships?
When have I experienced fight, flight, or shutdown in conflict?
How does understanding my nervous system help me show up with more compassion?
How Childhood Trauma Shapes Our Sense of Safety and Nervous System
Childhood trauma—such as abuse, neglect, or prolonged stress—has profound effects on
our developing brain and nervous system.
These early adverse experiences can fundamentally alter how we perceive safety and respond to stress throughout our lives.
The Neuroscience of Childhood Trauma
During childhood, the brain’s architecture is highly plastic and sensitive to environmental inputs.
When a child experiences trauma, the brain’s stress-response systems become overactive or dysregulated.
According to Dr. Bruce Perry, a leading trauma neuroscientist:
“The brain is shaped by experience. Traumatic stress during sensitive periods of development can alter brain structure and function, particularly in regions involved in emotional regulation, memory, and executive function.”— Perry, B.D. (2009). Journal of Loss and Trauma
This means trauma rewires the brain areas responsible for feeling safe and managing emotional responses.
Example:
You might notice that in moments of stress, you find yourself reacting with intense anxiety or shutting down completely, even when the situation doesn’t seem dangerous.
This is your nervous system’s way of protecting you based on what it learned during childhood.
The Nervous System and Safety
Our autonomic nervous system (ANS) governs our physiological state and includes the sympathetic (fight/flight) and parasympathetic (rest/digest) branches.
Childhood trauma often creates chronic hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system or a freeze response mediated by the parasympathetic system.
Dr. Stephen Porges, founder of Polyvagal Theory, explains:
“Trauma interferes with the development of the vagal pathways that regulate social engagement and calm states, leaving individuals trapped in states of defense rather than connection.”— Porges, S.W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory
Example:
You may feel disconnected in social settings or find it hard to trust others because your nervous system defaults to “defense mode,” anticipating threat where none exists.
How Trauma Impacts the Sense of Safety
Safety is not just a physical condition but an internal felt experience regulated by the nervous system.
When early caregivers were a source of threat or neglect, the child’s nervous system learns to anticipate danger constantly.
This leads to:
Hypervigilance: Always scanning for threat, even when none exists.
Dissociation or Numbing: Shutting down emotional awareness to survive overwhelming fear.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Because early attachment figures were inconsistent or harmful.
Research shows that adults with childhood trauma often have altered cortisol (stress hormone) responses, indicating ongoing stress even in non-threatening environments.
For example, a study by Gunnar and Quevedo (2007) found:
“Children exposed to early adverse experiences show dysregulated HPA axis functioning, which is associated with increased anxiety and difficulty regulating emotions.”— Gunnar, M.R., & Quevedo, K. (2007). Annual Review of Psychology
Example:
You might feel exhausted by feelings of anxiety or mood swings that come out of nowhere, as your body stays “on alert” long after the danger has passed.
How Treating Childhood Trauma Creates Safety
Treating childhood trauma is essential for developing a lasting sense of safety and well-being.
As survivors, we often carry an ongoing sense of danger—not because we choose to, but because our nervous systems were shaped by early experiences of threat.
In Relationship Recovery Process (RRP) groups, we explore the roots of that inner lack of safety and begin to heal the wounds left behind.
Together with other survivors of childhood trauma, we learn how to soothe the nervous system, build healthier connections, and respond to life with greater clarity—distinguishing real danger from the events of the past.
Journal Prompts for Reflection and Healing
Use these prompts to explore your sense of safety and how trauma may have shaped your nervous system:
Recall a moment in childhood when you felt unsafe. What sensations or emotions come up for you now when you think about that moment?
How does your body react when you feel threatened or overwhelmed today? Where do you feel tension, tightness, or numbness?
Can you identify times when your nervous system might have gone into “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze” in situations that others might consider safe?
What does “feeling safe” look and feel like for you right now? What small things help your nervous system settle?
How do you notice your body and mind reacting differently when you are with people who make you feel safe versus those who don’t?
What are some ways you can gently support your nervous system to feel more regulated and connected in daily life?
Moving Forward
Recognizing how childhood trauma impacts our nervous system and sense of safety is a courageous first step toward healing.
RRP Therapy, somatic practices, mindfulness, and safe relationships can help rewire our brains to experience safety more fully.
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