“It Wasn’t That Bad” — How Minimizing Keeps Survivors from Healing

One of the most common reasons survivors of childhood trauma delay or avoid healing is the belief that “it wasn’t that bad” or “other people had it worse.”

At first glance, this may sound humble or even resilient.

But in reality, it’s often a subtle form of self-protection — and self-invalidation — that keeps the wounds of the past hidden and unaddressed.

Why We Minimize

Minimizing is a learned survival strategy.

As children, we adapt to unsafe or painful environments by making the pain feel smaller, more manageable, or less real. Sometimes this meant:

Comparing ourselves to others who were “worse off” to make our own situation feel survivable.

Believing adults who told us we were “overreacting” or “too sensitive.”

Avoiding the truth because it was too overwhelming to face at a young age.

Over time, these thought patterns become internalized.

By adulthood, many survivors genuinely believe our suffering “doesn’t count” — even when the signs of unresolved trauma are impacting our relationships, work, self-esteem, or health.

The Cost of Invalidation

When we tell ourselves our pain isn’t valid, we:

• Delay healing — we convince ourselves nothing needs to change, even if life feels stuck.

• Ignore the body’s signals — anxiety, depression, chronic tension, or exhaustion become “normal.”

• Stay in unhealthy dynamics — we tolerate poor treatment because we believe we should be able to “handle it.”

Trauma doesn’t have to be the “worst” to be real.

Our nervous system doesn’t measure pain on a comparison scale.

It responds to what we experienced — not to how it ranks against someone else’s story.

Rewriting the Story

Part of healing is giving ourselves permission to acknowledge:

• What happened to me was real.

• My feelings are valid, even if others disagree.

• I deserve care, support, and healing.

When we stop minimizing, we can start grieving, processing, and learning new ways to feel safe in our own skin.

If This Resonates With You

If you’ve been telling yourself “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I had a good childhood overall” but still struggle with anxiety, people-pleasing, or feeling stuck, you’re not alone. Many survivors only realize the depth of our pain when we finally allow ourselves to name it.

We don’t need to justify our healing by proving our pain.

We deserve to heal because we are human — and our lives matters.