Is Your Inner Child Running Your Life?

mapcouplesprogram
Aug 27
3 min read

We all carry younger parts of ourselves into adulthood.

These “parts” — often referred to as the Inner Child — hold our early experiences of safety, love, fear, and shame.

When childhood wounds remain unhealed, it’s common for the Inner Child to step in and make our adult decisions, often in ways that keep us stuck.

The good news?

We can learn to recognize when our Inner Child is in charge, understand why they do this, and begin the process of reparenting so that our grounded adult self can lead.

RRP (Relationship Repair Process) groups are designed to help survivors of childhood trauma

successfully engage in this process.

How to Recognize the Inner Child in Charge

Our Inner Child may be running our life if we notice:

Big reactions to small triggers. A comment or tone of voice feels devastating, sparking shame, rage, or withdrawal. (Patrick Teahan discusses how triggers affect us.)
People-pleasing or conflict avoidance. You say “yes” when you want to say “no,” terrified of rejection.
As Pete Walker discusses in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
He introduces the concept of the “Fawn Response” — a trauma-driven survival pattern where individuals appease others to avoid conflict, rejection, or harm.
Fear of abandonment. Relationships feel fragile; you constantly scan for signs someone will leave you.
In his book, The Developing Mind, Dr. Dan Seigel shows how early attachment ruptures (like abandonment, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving) impair neural integration, leading to adult patterns of clinging, fear of rejection, and abandonment anxiety.
Repeating painful relationship patterns. You find yourself drawn to dynamics that echo childhood — critical, neglectful, or emotionally distant connections.
John Bowlby described (in his book: Attachment and Loss, Vol 3: Loss, Sadness and Depression) how children internalize “working models” of relationships based on caregiver behavior.
These models become templates unconsciously repeated in adult relationships.

Why the Inner Child Takes Control

The Inner Child’s job is survival.

In unsafe or unpredictable environments, children adopt strategies that protect them — even if those strategies come at a cost.

Pleasing: “If I meet their needs, maybe I’ll be safe.”
Hiding: “If I’m invisible, I can’t be hurt.”
Defending: “If I fight back, I’ll stay in control.”
Shutting down: “If I feel nothing, it won’t hurt as much.”

As John Bowlby’s attachment research showed, children adapt in order to maintain connection to caregivers — even if that means suppressing their own needs.

These adaptations were brilliant survival mechanisms.

Why It No Longer Works

In adulthood, those same strategies often backfire. What once kept us safe now keeps us stuck.

People-pleasing prevents authentic connection.
Avoidance blocks intimacy.
Hypervigilance damages trust.
Shutting down leaves us feeling numb or disconnected.

As much research indicates — our nervous systems remain wired for threat long after the danger is gone.

Unless we tend to our Inner Child, they continue making choices out of fear rather than freedom.

How to Reparent My Inner Child

Healing is not about silencing or rejecting the Inner Child — it’s about stepping in as the loving, safe adult they always needed.

This is the essence of reparenting (a concept popularized by John K. Pollard in Self-Parenting, 1987), and later expanded by others.

Steps to Begin Reparenting:

Pause & Notice. Ask: “Is this my adult self or my child self making this choice?”
Soothe with Compassion. Talk to your Inner Child as you would to a little one: “I see you. I hear you. You’re safe now.”
Step Into Adult Leadership. Make choices guided by your values, not your fears.
Build Inner Safety. Practices like journaling, therapy, somatic work, and mindfulness help rewire our nervous system for safety. (Siegel, The Developing Mind, 1999)

Journal Prompts for Reflection

When was the last time I reacted strongly to a small situation? What might my Inner Child have been afraid of?
What patterns from childhood do I notice repeating in my adult relationships?
What does my Inner Child need to hear from me right now to feel safe?
How can I show up as a safe, nurturing adult for myself today?
What values or dreams would my adult self choose if fear weren’t running the show?