How Childhood Trauma Set You and Your Siblings Up For Competition

Competition is often celebrated in our culture—it drives achievement, pushes us to grow, and can be healthy when it’s balanced.

But for many survivors of childhood trauma, competitiveness isn’t about healthy striving.

Instead, it is often a survival response—something we learned in childhood to secure attention, approval, or even safety.

In families where trauma, neglect, or inconsistent parenting were present, siblings were often set up to compete for limited resources—whether that meant a parent’s love, praise, or stability.

Over time, this childhood trauma and competitiveness dynamic shaped the way survivors approach relationships, friendships, and work.

How Families of Trauma Set Siblings Up to Compete

Normal sibling rivalry is a common part of growing up.

Most brothers and sisters bicker, compete for attention, or feel jealous over privileges—it’s part of learning boundaries, negotiation, and social skills.

In healthy families, these conflicts are usually short-lived, balanced with affection, and resolved with the support of caregivers.

Children are encouraged to develop their own unique identities and are supported in building connection with each other.

By contrast, in families impacted by trauma, sibling rivalry can take on a much more damaging form.

When roles and dynamics are distorted by neglect, abuse, or high conflict, rivalry may no longer be just about competition over toys or privileges—it becomes rooted in survival.

Not all siblings in trauma-affected families become rivals; in some cases, siblings band together and protect each other, forming strong lifelong bonds through shared adversity.

But just as often, this does not happen.

In many families shaped by trauma, the system unconsciously pits siblings against each other by assigning roles or making love and approval feel scarce.

According to research, children in high-conflict or trauma-exposed homes are likely to develop competitive or adversarial sibling relationships as they navigate unsafe environments.

When parental support is inconsistent, siblings may view each other as rivals rather than allies.

As Dan Hughes, developer of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), explains, children in unsafe or neglectful environments adapt by developing strategies to secure whatever connection they can—often through behaviors that increase parental attention, even if that means competing against a sibling.

What looks like rivalry on the surface is frequently a survival strategy rooted in attachment wounds created by early adversity.

Recognizing this helps release the shame or guilt survivors may carry about sibling conflict, because it reframes rivalry as a product of the environment rather than a personal failing.

Instead of blaming yourself—or your sibling—for not being closer, you can begin to see that the competition was rooted in survival, not in who you are at your core.

This shift makes space for compassion, allowing survivors to grieve what was missing, honor the ways they coped, and choose healthier ways of relating in adulthood.

The following are several ways in which trauma-affected families and abusive or negligent parents set siblings up to compete instead of building strong bonds of support and love.

Scarcity of love and attention – When parents are overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, or inconsistent, children learn that affection and attention are scarce.

This scarcity mindset drives competition: if my sibling gets it, there won’t be enough for me.

Parentification and scapegoating – In many trauma-affected families, one child may be put in the role of caretaker (parentified child) while another is blamed or scapegoated. These roles create resentment and rivalry instead of connection.

Conditional approval – If a parent only affirms a child for achievements (grades, sports, behavior) rather than unconditional love, siblings may end up competing to be “the good one” or “the successful one.”

Survival over collaboration – When the nervous system is shaped by trauma, survival instincts dominate.

Competition becomes a trauma response rather than a choice.

Competitiveness in Adulthood for Survivors of Childhood Trauma

What begins as survival in childhood often continues into adulthood, shaping relationships, careers, and even self-image.

Survivors may find that competition no longer feels like a choice but rather a default setting.

Comparison as constant background noise. You may measure your worth by comparing yourself to colleagues, friends, or siblings. Someone else’s success can feel like your failure.

Perfectionism, guilt, and shame.

Many survivors of childhood trauma feel overwhelming shame and guilt when they are not perfect. 

Growing up in environments where love, safety, or approval felt conditional, we may have learned that mistakes or flaws would lead to rejection, criticism, or withdrawal of affection.

As adults, this can create a relentless pressure to achieve, perform, or always “get it right.” When perfection isn’t possible—as it never is—survivors often feel crushed by shame (“I am not good enough”) or consumed by guilt (“I’ve let everyone down”).

This painful cycle keeps competitiveness alive, because striving to be perfect becomes a way to temporarily silence those feelings, even though it never truly resolves them.

Fear of being left behind. 

Success may feel like a limited resource.

If others “get ahead,” it can trigger deep fears of abandonment or being unseen.

Difficulty celebrating others. 

We may want to be happy for others, but instead feel a pang of envy, self-criticism, or even resentment.

This can create guilt for not being the “supportive” friend, sibling, or partner we want to be.

Workplace or relationship strain. 

Competitiveness can lead to burnout, difficulty collaborating, or tension in partnerships when everything feels like a competition for who is right, who does more, or who matters more.

These patterns can create a painful cycle:

striving to prove our worth, feeling shame when perfection isn’t possible, and doubling down on competition to avoid feeling “less than.”

Healing Childhood Trauma and Moving from Competition to Connection

The first step in healing is compassion—recognizing that competitiveness was a trauma response, not a character flaw.

From there, survivors can begin to reshape our relationship to ourselves and others.

Ways to soften competitiveness:

Shift the lens from scarcity to abundance. Practice affirmations such as there is enough success, love, and belonging for everyone.

Notice comparison triggers. Pause when you feel threatened by another’s success—what old wound is being activated?

Challenge perfectionism. Instead of asking, Am I good enough?, practice asking, Am I being authentic? Am I showing up with kindness for myself?

Build collaboration muscles. Engage in cooperative activities where winning is not the goal (team cooking, creative projects, group volunteering).

Reframe mistakes. See them not as evidence of being “less than,” but as part of being human. Self-compassion work can help release guilt and shame.

Reconnect with your inner child. Remind the younger part of you that they no longer need to fight for attention—they are safe and worthy now.

RRP (Relationship Recovery Process) group and individual therapy offers support in reconnecting with our inner child.

Journal Prompts for Healing Childhood Trauma and Competitiveness

Questions we can ask ourselves for a deeper understanding of childhood trauma and how it effects our competitiveness:

When I was young, what did I feel I had to “win” or compete for in my family?

How did my caregivers respond to my achievements versus my struggles?

How do I feel when someone close to me succeeds? Do I feel proud, envious, threatened, or inspired?

What role did I play in my sibling dynamics, and how does that show up in my adult life?

What would it feel like to believe there is “enough” attention, success, and love for me and for others?

How can I practice celebrating others without diminishing myself?

Healing Sibling Rivalry in Adulthood

For many survivors, competitiveness is strongest in sibling relationships.

Old roles—“the smart one,” “the caretaker,” “the troublemaker”—can echo into adulthood, shaping how siblings view themselves and each other.

Rivalry doesn’t just disappear when you grow up; it often resurfaces in subtle ways, like comparing careers, parenting styles, or even who seems “happier.”

Healing sibling rivalry in adulthood is about rewriting the story—not erasing the past, but transforming how you relate to each other now.

Here are several ways siblings can approach tense or broken relationships in order to heal:

Name the old story. 

Simply recognizing, we were set up to compete, can reduce blame and resentment.

It helps shift the focus away from blaming each other and toward understanding the family system that shaped each family member.

Shift from rivalry to cooperation. 

Practice seeing your sibling not as a rival but as a fellow survivor of the same family environment.

You may have been given different roles, but each of you were navigating the same scarcity of love and safety.

Share your experiences. 

If it feels safe, open up about how you experienced the family dynamics.

Sometimes siblings discover that the very roles they resented each other for were painful burdens in their own right.

The “golden child,” for example, may have carried enormous pressure to perform, while the “scapegoat” may have longed for recognition.

Release comparison. 

Notice when you fall into “who is doing better” thinking.

Remind yourself that you and your sibling are on different life paths, each with your own struggles and strengths.

Create new rituals. 

Building shared positive experiences—family dinners, traditions, or simple check-ins—can help reframe the relationship around connection rather than competition.

Set boundaries if needed. 

Healing doesn’t always mean closeness.

Sometimes the healthiest step is deciding how much contact feels safe and respectful. Boundaries can protect the progress you’ve made in your own healing.

Celebrate differences. 

Instead of comparing, practice affirming each other’s unique contributions.

Shifting from rivalry to mutual respect creates space for genuine connection.

As therapist Monica McGoldrick notes, reframing sibling dynamics often involves moving from “who got more” to “we both survived something difficult, and now we get to choose how we relate.”

By approaching sibling relationships with compassion, curiosity, and boundaries, survivors can begin to heal rivalry and create more supportive adult bonds.

Journal Prompts for Healing Sibling Rivalry in Adulthood

Questions we can ask ourselves to gain a deeper understanding about our feelings of sibling rivalry:

What “role” was I assigned in my family (the golden child, the troublemaker, the caretaker, etc.)? How do I feel about carrying that role today?

What did I believe about my siblings growing up? Did I see them as allies, competitors, or threats to my own place in the family?

How might my siblings have experienced their roles differently from how I assumed?

In what ways do I still compare myself to my siblings today, and how does that affect my self-worth?

What boundaries or new rituals could I create to shift my sibling relationships toward connection rather than rivalry?

If I could rewrite my relationship with my siblings, what would I want it to look like now?

If you grew up in a family where love felt scarce and competition was unavoidable, it makes sense that you may carry competitiveness into adulthood.

Healing doesn’t mean erasing ambition—it means moving from survival-driven rivalry to a sense of abundance, connection, and mutual support.

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