Becoming the Adult You Needed: A Practical Guide

One of the Children’s Bill of Rights in the Relationship Recovery Process (RRP) is the right “to witness consistent, healthy adult behavior.”

For many of us who experienced childhood trauma, we may never have seen what that actually looks like.

Through no fault of our own, we might have no idea how to be an adult ourselves.

What does “living as an adult” really mean?

We might know how to show up responsibly at work but struggle to apply those same qualities in our relationships or other parts of life.

How healthy adults act — in relationships, in managing emotions, in taking responsibility — can feel like a mystery when we haven’t had those examples.

But it’s vital to learn that healthy adults take ownership of their actions, communicate with respect, and know how to handle their feelings.

Understanding this gives us a roadmap for growing into the kind of adults we want to be. No adult gets it right all the time.

But those who live as healthy adults hold onto certain core qualities and do their best to live by them.

Getting a sense of what adulthood can look like helps us see where we’d like to grow — for ourselves and for the next generation.

This awareness is how we begin to break the cycle.

What Does Healthy Adult Behavior Look Like?

When we become adults who actually live as adults, we help break cycles of fear, confusion, and chaos.

We create a new normal: one where children trust that adults can be steady, kind, and responsible.

We relate to other adults as adults and build appropriate intimacy with them.

And we remind ourselves that being an adult isn’t about age — it’s about showing up with courage, care, and growth, over and over again.

Here are some guiding principles, examples, and reflective questions to help connect with what being an adult means.

1. Invest in Growth

Healthy adults don’t get stuck repeating old mistakes — they grow from them.

They’re willing to say, “I didn’t know better before, but now I do, and I’ll try to do better.” 

They seek feedback even when it’s uncomfortable, listen to different perspectives, and stay flexible when life changes.

🔹 Adults learn from mistakes instead of repeating them

Healthy adults see mistakes as opportunities to learn, not as proof they’re a failure.

They pause to ask: “What went wrong? What could I do differently next time?”

In Dr. Carol Dweck's book Mindset (2006) she shows how a "growth mindset" helps us learn from mistakes rather than avoid them.

An example could be when an adult who notices they’re raising their voice too often decides to learn new ways to stay calm during conflict.

Journal Prompt:

When did I turn a mistake into a lesson?

Do I feel shame when I make a mistake?

Where did I learn that it is wrong to make a mistake?

🔹 Adults seek feedback and new perspectives

Adults invite input, even if it’s hard to hear.

They value hearing different sides before making a decision.

Brene Brown writes in Dare to Lead (2018) that courageous leaders “listen with the same passion with which they want to be heard.”

An example of this would be when a partner asks, “How do you feel about how I handled that conversation?” to understand how their actions affect others.

Journal Prompt:

How comfortable am I receiving feedback?

How do I receive criticism? compliments?

🔹 Adults adapt when circumstances change

Being an adult means being flexible.

Plans change; people change — healthy adults adjust rather than becoming rigid or controlling.

According to research on resilience (APA, 2020), adaptability is a key factor in coping with stress.

As an example, when unexpected expenses come up, an adult can respond with a reasonable amount of worry and then proceed to figure out how to deal with the challenge.

Journal Prompt:

How do I respond when life doesn’t go as planned?

Are there specific unexpected events that are more triggering to me?

2. Take Responsibility

Adults own their actions and choices.

They don’t blame others for their mistakes or broken promises.

They follow through on commitments, and when they mess up, they’re willing to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” 

For example, if a parent forgets to pick up their child from school, they don’t make excuses — they acknowledge the hurt it caused and make amends.

Journal Prompt:

What does taking responsibility mean to me?

How do I feel when I need to admit I’m wrong?

What’s one recent situation where I took (or could have taken) full ownership of my actions?

🔹 Adults own their actions, choices and mistakes without blaming others

Instead of saying “It’s your fault!” adults acknowledge their part.

This builds trust.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Connection (2001), emphasizes that true intimacy requires personal accountability.

An illustration of this would be an adult at work who, after forgetting an important deadline says, “I take full responsibility — I should have planned better.”

Journal Prompt:

When have I blamed others for something that was really mine to own?

What feelings causes me to shift or look for someone else to blame?

🔹 Adults follow through on commitments and keep promises

Reliability is at the heart of adult behavior.

Children and others need to know our word means something.

Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) highlights integrity and keeping commitments as a cornerstone of trust.

A good illustration of this is a caregiver shows up to their child’s game because they said they would — even if it’s inconvenient.

Journal Prompt:

Where am I reliable?

Where do I struggle to follow through?

🔹 Adults are not afraid to apologize when they are wrong

A real adult apology doesn’t include excuses.

It focuses on the impact of the action and how to repair the effects.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Languages of Apology (2006) outlines how meaningful apologies repair trust.

For instance, a parent says, “I was wrong to yell at you. I’m sorry. I’ll work on being calmer next time.”

Journal Prompt:

When and to whom am I able to apologize?

When is it more difficult?

3. Practice Self-Regulation

Healthy adults can feel strong emotions — anger, sadness, fear — without lashing out or shutting down.

They know how to pause, breathe, and respond thoughtfully.

When they’re stressed or disappointed, they use coping skills like journaling, calling a friend, or going for a walk instead of exploding at those around them.

A good example is a partner who feels emotionally flooded but chooses to say, “I need time to calm down,” rather than escalating and exploding at their partner.

Journal Prompt:

How do I usually handle strong emotions?

What helps me pause and respond instead of reacting?

What’s one healthy coping strategy I’d like to practice more often?

🔹 Adults manage emotions without lashing out or shutting down

They feel their feelings but don’t dump them on others.

Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence (1995) popularized the idea that self-regulation is a key part of maturity.

An example would be when a frustrated adult takes a break to breathe instead of saying something hurtful.

Journal Prompt:

How do I tend to react when I feel overwhelmed?

What are the signals in my body that I am feeling a lot and need to process?

🔹 Adults know how to pause, reflect, and respond thoughtfully

Instead of reacting impulsively, adults slow down.

Mindfulness research (Kabat-Zinn, 1990) shows that pausing to reflect lowers reactivity and builds better relationships.

Here's an example: Before sending an angry response to a harsh email, adults can pause and reflect on what they are feeling and how to effectively reply.

For survivors of childhood trauma, this includes reflecting on what feelings from childhood are triggered by the email.

Journal Prompt:

What helps me pause instead of react?

🔹 Adults seek healthy ways to cope with stress or disappointment

They find healthy outlets like talking, exercising, or journaling instead of using harmful distractions.

Finding ways to manage stress or disappointment is vital to our health and well-being.

For instance, taking a walk or calling a friend instead of numbing out with alcohol.

Journal Prompt:

What’s my go-to coping strategy for dealing with stress or disappointment — is it healthy?

What are the messages I tell myself about stress and disappointment?

What messages did I learn in childhood about stress and disappointment?

4. Show Empathy and Respect

Adults are able to see things from someone else’s perspective, even if they disagree.

They communicate honestly but kindly and know that setting and respecting boundaries is a sign of care.

For example, an adult might say, “Can you tell me more about that?" in response to an issue their partner brought up that they disagree with.

Journal Prompt:

• When was a time I felt truly understood by someone?

• How do I show respect when I disagree?

• What boundaries do I need to set or uphold more consistently?

🔹 Adults see different perspectives

Adults are curious about others’ experiences and feelings.

As Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (2003) teaches, we can learn to increase our ability to understand the perspective of others and increase our empathy for them.

In illustration, instead of dismissing a child’s fears, an adult can say, “I see why you feel that way.”

Journal Prompt:

Do I listen to understand or to reply?

🔹 Adults communicate honestly but kindly

They tell the truth without cruelty, even when it’s uncomfortable.

In her work on leadership, Bene Brown (Dare to Lead, 2018) shows how clarity is a form of respect.

For example, a partner says, “This isn’t working for me,” instead of criticizing.

This is a statement of care, not blame.

Journal Prompt:

How can I be more honest without hurting others?

What does honesty mean to me?

When do I hesitate to be honest and why?

🔹 Adults set and respect boundaries

They know their limits and honor others’.

Example: An adult says, “I can’t talk right now — let’s connect tomorrow.”

Journal Prompt: Where do I struggle to hold healthy boundaries?

Primary Source: Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace (2021) offers practical guidance on boundary setting.

5. Can Be Intimate

Healthy adults know how to be emotionally open and vulnerable with people they trust. They can engage in conflict without shaming or blaming, and they can witness another person’s vulnerability with compassion.

For instance, a partner might say, “I feel hurt when you cancel our plans,” and their partner listens and holds that tender truth with care instead of defensiveness.

Journal Prompt:

What does healthy intimacy mean to me?

How safe do I feel being vulnerable with others?

How can I better support someone else’s vulnerability?

🔹 Adults can be emotionally open and vulnerable with trusted people

They share their true feelings instead of hiding behind a mask.

Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection (2010) shows vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.

Example: Telling a friend, “I feel lonely and I need support.”

Journal Prompt: What stops me from being vulnerable?

🔹 Adults can engage in conflict in safe and respectful ways

They don’t avoid conflict or let it get abusive.

Dr. John Gottman’s research (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999) shows how healthy conflict builds connection.

Example: A couple disagrees but they use “I” statements and listen without insults.

Journal Prompt: How do I handle disagreements?

🔹 Adults can witness another person’s vulnerability with empathy and respect

They don’t judge or use another persons vulnerability against them later.

For example, when a friend shares something deeply painful; the listener holds space without trying to fix it.

 Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly (2012) explores how empathy creates true connection.

Journal Prompt:

Am I trustworthy with other people’s truths?

6. Balance Needs and Responsibility

Adults know how to balance what they want now with what’s best in the long run.

They care for children’s needs, even when it means putting immediate desires aside.

They’re also clear about their own needs.

For example, a parent might want to relax but knows they need to help their child with homework first — they make space for both, communicating clearly and planning ahead.

Journal Prompt:

Where do I struggle with balancing my needs and responsibilities?

What’s one area where I could choose long-term benefit over instant gratification?

How do I communicate my needs to others?

🔹 Adults prioritize long-term, not just immediate gratification

They think ahead about the consequences of their choices.

You may be familiar with Dr. Walter Mischel’s Marshmallow Test (2014).

The experiment and subsequent follow-up studies discussed how delayed gratification supports success.

Choosing to save money for a child’s future instead of spending impulsively is an example of prioritizing long-term.

Journal Prompt:

Where do I choose short-term comfort over long-term wellbeing?

🔹 Adults take care of children and keep them safe

Adults understand kids’ needs come first.

We know from attachment theory that consistent caregiving is key for children's security.

"Being there" for our kids, so they can take comfort from us when things are hard, is a good example of being a safe base of security for children.

Journal Prompt:

What does protecting children mean to me?

🔹 Adults recognize and communicate their own needs clearly

They don’t expect others to read their mind.

For example, saying, “I need alone time tonight to recharge.” is a clear expression of one's needs.

For survivors of childhood trauma, recognizing and feeling entitled to have needs is often challenging.

Journal Prompt:

How do I feel about expressing my needs?

7. Protect and Care for Children

Adults nurture, protect, and respect children’s need for physical and emotional safety.

They understand that children depend on them to feel protected and loved.

When they make mistakes, they take responsibility and repair the relationship, showing children that love means care and accountability.

For example, if a parent snaps at their child, they come back later and say, “I’m sorry I yelled. You didn’t deserve that. I’ll work on doing better.”

Journal Prompt:

What did I need from adults when I was a child?

How can I show the children in my life they’re safe with me?

How do I repair with a child when I’ve made a mistake?

🔹 Adults nurture, protect and respect children’s physical and emotional needs

Adults create an environment where kids feel safe, loved, and understood.

Dr. Dan Siegel’s The Whole-Brain Child (2011) highlights how attuned parenting shapes their children's brain development.

Journal Prompt: How do I show kids they matter?

🔹 Adults understand that children rely on them

They accept the responsibility to be the safe base.

Showing up for milestones like recitals or taking children to doctors visits are some examples of knowing our children rely on us.

Journal Prompt:

How did adults show up for me as a child?

🔹 Adults repair relationship ruptures

When they mess up, they apologize and make amends — showing kids that conflict can be repaired.

A great example of an adult repairing a relationship rupture: After yelling, a parent says, “You didn’t deserve that. Let’s talk about what happened.”

Journal Prompt:

How do I handle relationship mistakes with kids?

🌱 Final Reflection

When children see adults live this way — imperfectly but with effort and heart — they learn what healthy adulthood can look like.

And when we practice these behaviors for ourselves, we heal old patterns and build a more secure, connected future for the next generation.