Navigating the Holidays for Childhood trauma Survivors
- mapcouplesprogram
- Dec 1, 2024
- 13 min read
Updated: Dec 12, 2024
Holidays Are Stressful
Our expectations of ourselves:
Holidays evoke feelings in all of us.
There is so much hype around making the holidays perfect and wonderful.
So many expectations.
We often want to have the best celebrations and give the perfect gifts.
If we’re already managing the stress of surviving childhood trauma, the added pressure of the season can stir up suppressed feelings and painful memories, making the holidays a huge challenge for survivors.
One way for survivors of childhood trauma to approach the holiday season is to anticipate and accept that the forced joy which accompanies the holiday can evoke feelings of sadness and loneliness, rather than joy.
The hyper-focus on family can accentuate the pain of distance from family, even when the choice is technically ours.
It can also intensify feelings of guilt and shame if we have made the choice not to be with family during the upcoming holidays.
A sense of grief and sadness are greatly impacted by the overall pressure for families to be “happy”’ eager to celebrate the holidays together.
We can take care of ourselves around the holiday season by anticipating what the holidays evoke and prepare for them, both emotionally and physically.
Here are some journal prompts, aimed at clarifying what we are feeling as the holidays approach.
Journal Prompts:
1. What are the expectations I have of myself around the holidays?
2. What are my expectations around holiday gifts, both giving and receiving?
3. What were holiday celebrations like in my family growing up?
4. What was gift giving like in my family growing up?
Journal Prompts for Parents:
1. What do I feel about giving holiday gifts to my children?
2. What memories do buying gifts for my children evoke regarding receiving gifts as a child?
3. What are my expectations of my children’s reactions to the gifts I give them?
4. How would I like to celebrate the holiday with my family? How similar or different do I want the celebration to be from how it was celebrated in my family or origin?
Journal Prompts for Couples:
1. Have we discussed our expectations about the upcoming holidays? Our fears?
2. How do we feel about giving and receiving gifts?
3. What are our memories from childhood around holiday celebrations? What of our childhood holiday celebrations are important for us to maintain? To do differently?
4. What helps us feel connected around the holiday season?
Expectations others have of us:
“Why Can’t You Just Get Into the Holiday Spirit?”
Even if people don’t ask the question outright, they can’t seem to understand why we can’t get into the holiday spirit.
Maybe they remind us that if we approach the season with gratitude, we can get into the joy of the holiday.
Maybe they repeatedly nag at us to join the festivities and when we don’t participate, they ignore us, which can make us feel even more like an outcast or self-conscious.
So now, not only are we battling the challenges of childhood abuse, we’re criticized for lack of holiday cheer and made to feel guilty because we seem ungrateful and are putting a damper on “the most wonderful time of the year.”
It’s a time of the year when well-meaning but seemingly innocent questions can sound critical and add to our own feelings of shame.
“So what did you do for Thanksgiving?”
“Wait, you’re not going home for the holidays?!”
“So you DON’T love this time of the year?”
Journal Prompts:
1. What do others expect of me during the holiday season?
2. What did my parents (or other family members) expect of me during the holiday season in my family growing up?
3. Were promises made to me as a child around the holidays? Were they kept?
4. Which expectations of me regarding the holidays make me most angry/frustrated today?
Journal Prompt for Parents:
1. Are my child/ren’s anticipation of the upcoming holidays similar to mine? Different to mine?
2. How am I affected by my child/ren’s emotions about the upcoming holidays?
3. How am I impacted by how others view my child/ren’s anticipation of the upcoming holidays?
4. How did my parents respond to my feelings about the holidays when I was a child?
Journal Prompt for Couples:
1. What are our expectations of each other during the upcoming holidays?
2. How can we feel supported by each other in light of the general expectations of other people during the holidays?
3. How do expectations of others/the holiday “spirit” put pressure on our relationship?
Finding the Holidays Difficult:
Not everyone likes holidays.
That does not mean there is something wrong with us.
It is natural for different people to like different things. And holidays, and everything that comes with them just may not be “our thing”.
Being made to feel bad or wrong because of that, is incorrect.
11 Important Reminders
It’s okay to dislike the holidays.
Your feelings are valid, and you don’t need to feel guilty about it.
You have the freedom to celebrate the holidays in any way you want.
You can create your own traditions that make you happy.
You don’t owe anyone anything during the holiday season.
You can spend your time and energy in ways that feel right to you.
The holidays are a great time to practice setting and asserting your boundaries.
It’s okay to say no to things that don’t serve you.
If this holiday season feels tough, remember that feelings can change; future holidays may feel different and better.
You can change your relationship to the holidays if you want.
Self-care is paramount if you struggle at this time of year.
Journal Prompts:
1. Which of the above “important reminders” feel OK for me to consider?
2. Which of the above “important reminders” feel wrong to consider? Where did I learn this?
3. Which of the above “important reminders” would I like to learn to adopt?
4. How do I feel about other people who do not like the holidays?
Journal Prompts for Parents:
1. How can I support my child/ren if they do not like the holiday season?
2. What feelings about myself as a parent come up if my child/ren are unhappy at holiday season?
3. How can I support myself as a parent if holiday season is challenging for my child/ren?
Journal Prompts for Couples:
1. Talk about which of the above “important reminders” feel right and why.
2. Talk about which of the above “important reminders” feel wrong, and why.
3. Which of the above “important reminders” would we like to adopt and support each other around.
Negative Childhood Holiday Memories:
When our childhood experiences during the holidays were painful, it is natural that the holiday season will evoke those difficult memories.
This is true even if we do find some enjoyment in the traditions and festivities of the holidays.
At times, we may feel guilty for still being upset around the holidays, even after all these years.
Or we don’t want to disappoint our loved ones, so we feel obligated to put on a happy face and push away our feelings.
It’s important for our healing process to understand why the holiday season is triggering us and to adopt healthy ways to cope with these feelings.
Our brain is programmed to react to current events based on past experiences.
If, as a child, we experienced abuse, neglect or extreme stress during the holidays, those memories form associations with holidays, which impact even into adulthood.
We may then have an overall dread of the holidays and be triggered by holiday music, food or even seeing decorations in a store.
Signs you may be experiencing trauma triggers related to your childhood:
You feel overwhelmed easily
You feel confused or disoriented
You are experiencing mood swings
You feel numb
You are easily over-aroused
“ To Be or Not To Be” With Family Over the Holidays
This is a very personal and important decision for each of us to make.
So much goes into this decision and each of us deserve the space and support to make the decision that is right for us.
Here are some guidelines from Patrick Teahan’s You Tube video on how to navigate the holidays.
When engaging with family:
1. Set boundaries. This includes topics we are not talking about. And then expect some pushback from family members around that. They will not like you setting boundaries.
2. Setting boundaries for yourself. This includes turning off the holiday music if it triggers painful memories, not attending family dinners if you feel uncomfortable, or not inviting certain family members to Christmas dinner if they played a part in your trauma. Your therapist can work with you to set healthy boundaries for this time of year.
3. Don’t bring your inner child with you when you attend a family gathering. Leave them home with a trusted babysitter. This means having the awareness that it is our inner child who (understandably) gets triggered around family events and that they need your protection. Visualize protecting your inner child by leaving them in a safe place while you visit with family. Spend time at the gathering as your adult who does not lose their truth even while being with others who do not see, understand or accept that truth.
4. We want our family to be somewhat wary of doing the wrong thing, on their best behavior, so things can go as well as possible. It is helpful if they are careful not to bring up the sensitive topic. Do not expect them to understand you but having them practice caution can be helpful.
5. “surf the trigger”: expect and accept the triggers will come. That people will say or do things that are upsetting. Try being outside of/on top of/observing the trigger, instead of drowning under it. Be “aware of it” but don’t allow it to swallow you.
6. Plan out your visit with family. Have a backup plan if everything goes wrong. Have an exit strategy. If family members act inappropriately with you, your partner or your children, know what you will do and where you will go. Know ahead of time what your deal-breakers are and if you have to, leave without explanation
7. Expect an emotional hang-over. After having spent time with toxic family, it is natural to be emotionally exhausted. It is exhausting. There is no way we can NOT be affected.
When Choosing Not to Be With Family:
We may choose not to be with family over the holidays or to limit the time we spend with them.
There are several challenges we face when choosing NOT to spend the holidays with family.
Part of the challenge is around what to say to people about our choice in a way that feels authentic and states our truth without guilt and apology.
15 Scripts of What to Say in Triggering Holiday Conversations
Consider the following scripts if people question what you’re doing for the holidays and/or comment on your lack of plans or plans that don’t make sense to them.
"I appreciate your concern, but I’ve decided to spend the holidays focusing on self-care and personal well-being."
"I’ve made a choice that feels right for me at this time. I hope you can respect that decision."
"It’s a personal matter, and I’m taking some time for myself during the holidays."
"I’m prioritizing my mental health this holiday season and have chosen to spend it in a way that supports that."
"Thank you for your concern. I’m focusing on creating a positive and peaceful holiday experience for myself."
"I’ve chosen to celebrate the holidays in a way that aligns with my current needs and priorities."
"This year, I’ve decided to take a break and focus on activities that bring me joy and peace."
"I appreciate your curiosity, but I’d rather not discuss my holiday plans. Let’s talk about something else."
"I’m choosing to spend the holidays in a way that brings me comfort and peace. I hope you can respect that."
"I’ve decided to step back and prioritize my well-being during the holidays. I appreciate your understanding."
"Family dynamics can be complicated, and I’m taking this time to reflect and focus on my own growth."
"I’ve made a conscious decision to take a break from family gatherings this year for personal reasons. I hope you can respect that."
"I’m focusing on creating a positive and nurturing environment for myself during the holidays."
"I’ve chosen to spend the holidays in a way that aligns with my current journey of self-discovery and healing."
Hopefully, these scripts will feel supportive. Of course, create any and all iterations from them that resonate with you and your unique situation.
Journal Prompts:
1. Remind myself why I am in limited contact/no contact with my parents, family. This is not a choice I made. It is a result of a long history I did not create.
2. What would allow me to feel safe around family this upcoming holiday. How can I set those boundaries in place?
3. Who can understand why I felt and still feel unsafe around family? How can that person support me and my decisions?
Journal Prompts for Parents:
1. Think about age-appropriate ways to know and understand why we are not spending holidays with their extended family. Make room for their feelings and reactions.
2. What feelings come up around your children’s reactions to limited or no contact with grand-parents/extended family over the holidays?
3. Notice specifically feelings of guilt and/or shame that you may be experiencing around limiting contact between your parents and your children. Find way/s to process those feelings, knowing you are doing the right and protective thing.
4. Were you protected as a child from unsafe adults/family members? Did your parents protect you? Notice how you are now protecting your inner child by limiting contact with your parents/family.
Journal Prompts for Couples:
1. Discuss what limiting time with family means for you. Make room for each of you to have different needs around this issue. Discuss how you can give and feel supported even though you see the issue differently.
2. How does your relationship feel different to the way you experienced your parents/caretakers relationship (with each other) as a child?
Supporting ourselves over the holidays:
More about setting boundaries for our emotional health:
I love this statement: “No is a full sentence”.
It can be very difficult saying “no, I’m not coming this year” when expectations around family celebrations are high.
As part of our childhood trauma, we may feel responsible for our parent’s feelings and fear the consequences of making a decision that will upset them.
But remember: You have the right to say “no” even to your closest family members.
As children, we had no choices.
Today, as adults, we can decide what’s best for us.
Whether that means avoiding a family dinner and only joining the festivities earlier or later or opting out of the celebration entirely.
We do not have to apologize or guilt ourselves into attending or doing something so that others will be happy.
What we need and want is important, and saying “no” is not a sign of sensitivity or weakness but strength.
We have the right and responsibility to do what we need to do to protect ourselves.
More limit-setting statements:
"No."
"I can only stay for an hour."
"Stop yelling at me."
"I'm uncomfortable discussing this, please don't bring it up again."
"I'm not coming to the gathering."
Setting boundaries with those who have chronically violated our boundaries can be difficult and evoke a lot of feelings.
Always consider your safety first in determining how, when, and what to communicate in a boundary.
Remember: when we say NO to something, we are saying YES to something else.
When we say “no” to unsafe situations and people, we are saying “yes” to protecting our inner child and taking care of ourselves.
Establish a Support System
While we can’t change the lack of support we experienced as children, we can affect the present by creating a support system.
This is especially important before the holidays.
We want to remind ourselves that although as children we had to cope on our own, asking for help is not an act of weakness but rather a strength.
Put together a list of people you can rely on when needed, people who understand, are non-judgmental and can validate you.
Make plans to connect with them over the holidays, even if it’s just with a short phone call
Journal Prompts:
1. What does it feel like to think about reaching out for or asking for help over the holiday season?
2. Who could I reach out to/ask to be part of my support network over the holidays?
3. What kind of contact with my support person/people would feel helpful?
4. If I do not have individuals I can reach out to for support, what else can I do to feel supported?
Journal Prompts for Parents:
1. When do I anticipate I will need the most support over the holiday season, specifically around parenting tasks?
2. What do I find most exhausting about being a parent during the holidays?
3. What do I do for my children during the holidays that is different to what my parents did for me? What feelings does that bring up for me?
Journal Prompts for Couples:
1. How can my partner and I be a support to each other over the holiday season?
2. What do I feel most comfortable asking my partner to do to support me over the holidays? The least comfortable?
Create New Memories and Traditions with Those You Love
It is important to remind ourselves that we deserve all the joy and merriment the season has to offer.
We can make the holidays fun and memorable, even if it doesn’t involve our family of origin.
Sometimes, friends can feel more like family, and that’s perfectly okay.
So have holiday fun with your chosen family.
It is possible to carve out a holiday celebration that works for you.
And even if we are mostly on our own over the holidays, do things that bring comfort and joy!
Some of us find it meaningful and fulfilling to do volunteer work around holiday time.
Use the holiday season to plan for and focus on something to look forward to.
This may be a vacation or a fun activity with friends after the holiday season.
Journal Prompts for Individuals, Parents and Couples:
1. Which traditions do I have from childhood which I would like to continue?
2. Which traditions would I like to discontinue?
3. Which new traditions would I like to incorporate in my holiday rituals?
Grief
Let’s face it; It hurts.
It hurts to accept that family has been the source of our greatest traumas.
It hurts to let go of hopes and dreams that things might change.
It hurts to look around at smiling faces of those who seem to have a “perfect family”.
Find space to feel the difficult emotions.
Write in a journal, turn to a friend or a partner, cry into your pet’s fur.
Let yourself honor the real pain of having not had, and still not having, the safe haven of family that you deserved.
Painful emotions, when allowed to run their course, and with a good-enough amount of support and validation, can be faced and managed.
Through no fault of our own, survivors of childhood trauma face challenges knowing and processing our emotions.
There was little if any mirroring of our emotion, nor recognition of the validity of our feelings.
Childhood trauma recovery offers opportunity to know and feel our emotions.
Look to join a childhood trauma healing group and/or community.
Journal Prompts for Individuals, Parents and Couples:
1. Which holiday memories from childhood bring me grief?
2. What brings me comfort when I experience grief around the holiday season?
3. How can I access support around feeling sad during the holidays?
Self-care
Last and not least, the holiday season is a time to be kind to ourselves.
As a trauma survivor, we have experienced things that no one should ever have to experience.
This year, take a breath and give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves.
And allow ourselves to honor the real story, the truth of our survival.
Journal Prompts for Individuals, Parents and Couples:
1. How can I take care of myself during the holiday season?
2. What is the internal message I hear when I attempt to apply self-care?
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